


Santana's Wheel Of Kurt's Love Interests

by funidontlikeyoueither



Category: Glee
Genre: Christmas Party, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Minor Adam Crawford/Kurt Hummel, Minor Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Minor Chandler Kiehl/Kurt Hummel, Minor Kurt Hummel/Jesse St. James, Minor Kurt Hummel/Mike Chang, Minor Kurt Hummel/Noah Puckerman, Minor Kurt Hummel/Sam Evans, Minor Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe, Not Blaine or Klaine Friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:21:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funidontlikeyoueither/pseuds/funidontlikeyoueither
Summary: Basically all the guys simping for Kurt but he’s having none of it
Relationships: Elliott "Starchild" Gilbert/Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel/Other(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 34





	Santana's Wheel Of Kurt's Love Interests

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PourALittleWater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PourALittleWater/gifts).



> For my beautiful friend BG, Merry Christmas <3

It was a typical Christmas in New York. The streets were decorated with fairy lights and miniature trees. Christmas carollers burst out in song on every corner. Dozens of cards spilt out of Kurt Hummel’s mailbox.

And with the typical Christmas came the typical Christmas party, where all of the New Directions and friends met up in a far too warm room and shared information about their lives that really should be kept to themselves. 

This, of course, led to the Glee club getting overly involved with each other’s lives.

And at this particular Christmas party, the subject was Kurt’s love life. After his tragic breakup with Blaine, he had decided to take a break from dating. Said break had ended up lasting 4 years and counting. But it was the Glee club, so, of course, Kurt enjoying his single life wasn’t acceptable to them.

Santana had been very strategic and had come up with an idea ahead of time. She had Brittany create a wheel which had the names of possible, or past, love interests of Kurt’s. She had then invited said love interests to her house, where the party was taking place, 10 minutes before the actual party began. She locked them in the basement with her inside.

The love interests included: Sam, Puck, Blaine, Sebastian, Adam, Mike, Chandler, and Jesse St James. 

“Alright, boys,” she said, standing in front of the bright wheel, “here’s how this is going to work-”

“How ‘ _what’_ is going to work?” Puck asked.

“In some way or another, you 8 are interested in boys, which means you’re interested in Kurt. And since Kurt is really the only likeable member of the New Directions, we need him to have an active love life for entertainment purposes.”

Mike narrowed his eyes. “And why do _we_ have to go after Kurt? What do we get out of this?”

Santana rolled her eyes. “Kurt, obviously.”

“I kind of have this thing going with Mercedes,” Sam said, “and I don’t want to mess that up, so I’m not doing this.”

“Yeah, me either,” Sebastian spoke up. “Sure, Kurt got hot, but he’s still not my type.”

“I’m down for it,” Blaine said. “Kurt is the only reason I’m still relevant in the Glee universe anyway.”

“I don’t remember who Kurt is,” Chandler said.

“I still haven’t forgiven him for getting engaged to Blaine when he was with me.” Adam shot Blaine a dirty look.

“Yeah, I’m not really into Hummel like that,” Puck said.

“Me too,” Mike agreed.

“He’s hot.” Jesse shrugged.

“Enough!” Santana snapped. “Let me put this way: you are all trapped in my basement and I will only let you leave when Kurt has a boyfriend, or when you have _tried_ to win his love. Is that clear?!” The boys grumbled and she smirked. “Let’s see who’s up first.” She threw a knife at the wheel then turned back to her victims. “Mike Chang, let me introduce you to your new lover.”

* * *

While she waited for Kurt to arrive at the party, Santana discussed strategy with Mike. Most of the other New Directioners were there with Kurt deciding to arrive fashionably late (as usual). 

“Alright,” Santana said, “here’s the deal: you’re going to flirt with Hummel. Do whatever it takes to get in his tight pants or be his boyfriend or whatever he wants.”

Mike shook his head and made his way to the door, excusing himself as he moved past Mercedes and Artie.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Santana asked.

“I’m not in your basement anymore, I don’t have to do what you say.”

Santana tilted her head to the side. “I’m not too sure about that. I know where you live, Mike, and I will _gladly_ hold Lord Tubbington over your head while you sleep.”

Mike sighed and walked back up to Santana.

“That’s what I thought.” She smirked.

It was another hour before Kurt arrived, dressed in an outfit consisting of his tightest skinny jeans and a Christmas sweater that definitely wasn’t his pick. He wasn’t sure why everyone was staring at him.

Santana nudged Mike in his ribs and gestured to Kurt. “It’s showtime. And just so you know, I’ll be listening to everything you say.”

Mike understood and started to walk over to Kurt, who was catching up with Mercedes. He was feeling a little nervous- he had never done anything with a guy. Sure, he had admired Kurt from afar for years, but that was all it was. Admiring. Kurt was like a masterpiece in a museum- you can look, but never, _ever_ touch.

So maybe now, Mike just may take this opportunity to flirt with Kurt a little. He may never get another chance again.

He tapped Kurt on the shoulder, and when the brunet turned his head, Mike’s heart skipped a beat. Kurt was so _beautiful_ , it was unfair. “H-Hey, Kurt.” _Why am I so nervous?_ He thought bitterly. _It’s just Kurt._

Kurt opened his arms and pulled Mike into a hug. “It’s so good to see you,” he said. “How are you doing?”

“Good, good.” Mike rubbed the back of his neck. If this was Tina, or Brittany, or some other girl, flirting would be a breeze. But this was _Kurt_. He was hot, talented, sweet as sugar, but also as cold as the weather outside. And Mike didn’t even know where to start.

Mike thought back to Kurt’s old relationships. He recalled Blaine singing that song about cheating in front of the entire Glee club, but Kurt didn’t seem to like that. Kurt mentioned something about that Adam guy serenading him with _Baby Got Back_ and they went on to date. Then there was the public proposal which Kurt said _yes_ to. So Kurt liked big spectacles with a large audience, right? 

The only issue was that Mike didn’t sing.

But he did _dance_. 

Having realised his new advantage, Mike grinned to himself and gently pulled Kurt into the centre of the room. The rest of the guests who weren’t being held captive in the basement quietened down and watched, the music blasting from the speakers. 

He pulled Kurt close to him, their lips briefly connecting for a split second. Mike mistook Kurt’s blush for excitement rather than embarrassment. They danced for a little while longer, the audience cheering them on. But when Mike got close again, Kurt pushed him back.

“I can’t,” he whispered, stepping away. 

Mike nodded, understanding what Kurt meant. Maybe he had been too forward, or Kurt felt anxious at dancing in front of everyone. “No worries.”

Santana caught Mike’s gaze and shook her head, mouthing ‘failure’ at him.

* * *

“Since Mike Chang has failed us,” Santana said, standing once again in front of the wheel, “I guess that another one of you losers will have to win Kurt’s heart.”

She had abandoned Mike upstairs and had returned to her basement, where her bored victims were sat.

“If Mike can’t do it, I don’t think any of us stand a chance,” Puck commented. The other boys agreed, despite a third of them not even knowing who Mike was.

“Shut it, Puck!” Santana snapped. “You will do as I say.” She removed the knife from Mike’s name and spun the wheel again. She took a step back then aimed the knife, smirking as it landed on Adam’s name. “Alright, Adam,” she said, giving the quivering British man a sweet look, “time to use your charms on old Hummel once again.”

Adam nodded silently, making his way towards the stairs.

“When do I get to see Kurt again?” Blaine whined.

“If and when the Wheel of Destiny chooses you,” Santana told him, rolling her eyes. Maybe bringing Blaine into this was a mistake. “Now, British guy, move it!”

* * *

The second that Adam laid eyes on Kurt again, he was glued to the spot. Kurt was so _beautiful_. Stunning. Radiant. Gorgeous. Dazzling. Striking. Either way, Adam was too taken aback to move closer.

Luckily for him, the man who had rendered Adam so useless had noticed him and was making his way over.

“Hey!” Kurt greeted, pulling Adam into a hug.

“H-Hello.” Adam was surprised that he was stuttering. He had always been smooth when talking to Kurt, so why was he freaking out now.

“What are you doing here? Are you seeing one of the guys?” Kurt looked around the room and noticed the absence of men.

“Santana invited me.”

“Oh.” The smile never left Kurt’s face.

“So, how have you been?” 

“Fine. I have a band. One Three Hill.” Adam stared at Kurt blankly, so Kurt elaborated, “You know, like One Tree Hill. But there’s 3 of us in the band, so…” Kurt chuckled to himself, but Adam remained emotionless.

“I don’t get it,” he said.

“Nevermind.” Kurt shook his head. Maybe they just had different senses of humour. 

They talked for a while, catching up on what they had missed and sharing stories. Kurt found that he wasn’t enjoying Adam’s company as much as he had back in his freshman year of college. Yes, Adam was still as charming as ever, but there was no _spark_. Not like there had been much of one before. 

Adam seemed to feel the same, because when the 4th awkward silence hung between them, he excused himself and went back over to Santana. 

“I don’t think it’s going to work out,” he told her.

“Yeah, no kidding.” Santana rolled her eyes. “I should’ve known better. Oh well, enjoy the rest of the party. Or don’t. I don’t care either way.”

* * *

Chandler was up next. Santana believed the blond actually stood a chance of catching Kurt’s interest, since they shared a lot of the same interests and had no bad blood between them since Blaine was out of the picture. 

Chandler made his way over to Kurt, and when their eyes met, he was at a loss of air. He remembered everything about Kurt, and all the pick-up lines in the world couldn’t do Kurt justice. 

“Chandler,” Kurt said in surprise when he saw his old friend. “What’s going on here? First Adam, now you.” He chuckled awkwardly.

“Kurt, hey!” Chandler waved excitedly despite Kurt being right in front of him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see you.” It was technically true, even if it wasn’t by choice at first. But now Chandler couldn’t be happier than to have the opportunity to talk to Kurt again. 

“That’s… sweet.”

“So, I heard you got into NYADA.”

“I did.” Kurt was about to start explaining what NYADA was like and how much he loved it when Chandler did it for him.

“Yeah, it’s an amazing school. I didn’t get in but I’ve done a lot of research. It is really competitive, so it makes sense that I didn’t get in. But it’s incredible that you did! I’ve listened to some of your performances that were uploaded online and you’re so talented! My favourite one was either _Being Alive_ \- which apparently was an audition? Which I don’t understand. Did you not get in the first time? You should have. Oh, and my other favourite performance was _I’m Still Here_. Great choice, by the way.” Chandler was talking so fast that Kurt couldn’t keep up. He felt like a third wheel between Chandler and his big mouth. “Did something happen before that performance? You looked a little injured. Oh! I bet you got hurt in Stage Weaponry, right? I heard that that programme is amazing. I-”

“Oh my God, shut up!” Kurt exclaimed.

“Huh?” 

“I’m sorry, Chandler. You’re a great guy, but-” Kurt inhaled sharply, “I don’t think that whatever you’re trying for here is going to work out.” He couldn’t be in a relationship where he could never get a word in edgewise. He’d suffered enough of that with Blaine.

Chandler nodded his head. “Okay, well, it was nice to see you again.”

* * *

Blaine was ecstatic. It was finally _his_ turn to seduce Kurt. And the best part was that nobody could tell him that he was ‘violating Kurt’s wishes to stay apart’ or ‘crossing a line’ because, technically, _this wasn’t his idea._ It was all Santana.

So, he cockily walked up to Kurt- _damn, was Kurt always this hot?_ \- and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, you.” He winked.

Kurt sighed. “Blaine. To what do I owe the ‘pleasure.’” He used air quotes around pleasure.

“I’m here to get you back.” Say what you will about Blaine, he had never failed at being blunt.

“Are you now?” Kurt didn’t mask his annoyance.

“Yes.”

“And what if I don’t want you back?”

“We were great together-”

“ _No_ , you were great as long as you had someone to be at your beck and call 24/7. I was _miserable_ with you, and you never gave a damn!” Kurt spat, crossing his arms.

“You’re being so stubborn,” Blaine pouted, “why can’t we just talk this out like a normal couple?”

“ _Because we are not a couple_ ,” Kurt hissed, trying to keep his voice down so he wouldn’t draw attention to them. “We’re not even friends.”

“Give it up, Hobbit,” Santana said, joining them. “Leave Kurt alone. I’ll find someone else to do it.”

“Do _what_?” Kurt asked as Blaine sulked away.

“Nothing.” She winked at him and went down a set of stairs, possibly to her basement.

* * *

Much to Santana’s dismay, the wheel chose Puck next. She knew right away that he was a lost cause, but Brittany claimed that they had _some_ chemistry, so she had to include him.

Kurt raised his eyebrow as Puck approached him. He couldn’t recall having seen Puck earlier, and he didn’t hear the front door open… where did Puck come from?

Puck put his arm around Kurt’s shoulder, and when he received a glare he winked. “Hey, lookin’ good, Hummel.” And it was true- Kurt _was_ looking good.

“What do you want, Puckerman?” Kurt rolled his eyes and shrugged Puck off of himself.

“You.”  
“Oh, for God’s sake! What is going on here?!” Kurt saw Santana’s stare from across the room and marched over to her. “Santana, care to explain what you’re doing?”

She gave him an innocent look. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, drop the act,” he snapped. “Mike, Adam, Chandler, Blaine, _and_ now Puck have all hit on me in the space of 2 hours. _You_ ’ _re_ obviously behind it all, so spill.”

She shook her head. “One day, you’ll thank me.” 

Kurt scoffed. She clearly wasn’t going to tell him anything, at least not in that moment in time, so he walked away. 

Santana was right, Puck was a lost cause.

* * *

For the first time all night, Santana believed that she may actually have a chance at getting Kurt a boyfriend. Well, probably not boyfriend, but definitely laid, as it was Sebastian Smythe who the Knife of Destiny had chosen next.

With the sexual tension between them, and the lack of Blaine in the equation, Santana had high hopes. 

But there was one issue…

“I don’t _like_ Kurt,” Sebastian repeated for the 10th time as he and Santana went up the stairs. “How am I supposed to be _attracted_ to him?”

Santana groaned. “You’ve slept with guys who are less attractive than Kurt. Plus, you went after _Blaine_ , clearly your standards can’t be that high.”

Sebastian muttered a ‘whatever’ and followed her upstairs. As his eyes adjusted to the light (the basement was almost completely dark), he walked around and bumped into someone.

“Oh, sorry!” a high voice exclaimed, and Sebastian identified who it was instantly.

“Kurt,” Sebastian greeted, the usual spite not present in his tone. He _was_ going to make an effort. 

Kurt looked up and his eyes met Sebastian’s. “No.”

Sebastian was so stunned by Kurt’s beauty that it took him a second to register what the other male had said. “What?”

“No, you are not here. This is just some crazy vision I’m having.”

Sebastian smirked. “How about I show you how real I can be?”

Kurt narrowed his eyes. “Was that supposed to be a pick-up line?”

“Maybe.”

“God, no wonder you could never get Blaine.”

Sebastian’s mouth hung open. Was Kurt immune to his charms? “How about I find out what’s under those skinny jeans?”

“How about no.” Kurt took a step away.

Sebastian nodded his head. “Okay, too forward. Let’s start over, yeah? I’m Sebastian Smythe, what’s your name?”

“None of your business.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. This was going to be harder than he thought. Normally, he would just have to wink at a guy and they would want him. “Can I get you a drink?”

Kurt put a hand on Sebastian’s arm. “Look, Sebastian, I’m going to be blunt. I’m not looking for _anything_ right now. Not a relationship, or a hookup, or whatever you want. So don’t waste your time, okay?”

“Okay, fair enough. I’ll see you around, maybe.” Sebastian was still in shock. No one had ever rejected him before, and he certainly didn’t think _Kurt Hummel_ would be the first, no matter how sexy he had become.

Santana pulled Sebastian to the side. “What’s going on? I thought you’d have him naked by now. I made up the guest room especially for you guys.”

Sebastian shrugged. “He’s not interested and I’m not going to force anything. He just said that he doesn’t want a relationship or a hook-up.”

Santana grunted. “There’s still one person he might fall for.” She stormed into the basement, and without bothering to spin the wheel, she yelled, “Evans! Upstairs! Now!”

Sam followed without question, too afraid to disobey. 

“Look,” Santana said, “you got all of the girls in Glee to date you, _surely_ you can get _Kurt_.”

“I’ll try.” Sam ran a hand through his hair and walked over to Kurt. “Hey.”

“Oh, thank God, someone normal.” Kurt instantly pulled Sam into a hug and sighed with relief. “All of the guys- aside from Finn- have been hitting on me and-”

Without hesitating, Sam kissed Kurt on the lips. Kurt kissed him back for a split second then pulled back.

“As nice as that was,” Kurt said, “I’m not really interested in you like that. I like someone else, and he’s not here right now, so…”

Sam let go of Kurt and nodded. “Yeah, sure, no problem. Um, I hope you get the guy you want.”

“Thank you.”

Sam made his way back over to Santana and explained what had happened. She wasn’t impressed since she only had Jesse left to work with. 

“At least you got a real kiss in,” she said. “That’s more than what anyone else has gotten tonight.”

“Yeah, I guess I can move on from him now that I’ve done it,” Sam replied. He caught Mercedes’ eye and smiled at her. “Besides, I don’t think we had much of a future anyway.”

* * *

Santana knew that if she had _any_ chance of getting Kurt and Jesse together, she would have to make them kiss. That would get Kurt thinking about the possibility of a relationship, right?

She was fixing mistletoe above the front door while Jesse talked to Kurt. From the looks of things, it seemed that he was flirting and Kurt wasn’t having any of it.

“Okay, what is your angle here?” Kurt asked, interrupting whatever compliment Jesse was in the middle of. It was clear from the look in his eye that Jesse didn’t mean any of it anyway.

“What do you mean?” Jesse asked.

“You’re obviously not interested in me, so _what does Santana have on you_.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “She locked me and the guys in her basement and had this crazy wheel thing with all of our names on it. Whoever the wheel landed on had to flirt with you or whatever. She’d only let us out to seduce you…”

Kurt shook his head. “Unbelievable. She’s crazy!” He stormed over to where she stood, having just hung the mistletoe. He tapped her on the shoulder. “Santana?”

“Yes?” She gave him another innocent look. 

“I know about everything. Jesse told me.”

She cursed under her breath. “Dammit.”

“I’m interested in someone else, so it’s not going to happen with Jesse, or Blaine, or whoever else you have stashed in your basement.”

“Jesse was the last one,” she said and left.

Kurt hovered around the door, and as if by magic, it opened. “Elliott!” Kurt exclaimed, pulling his friend into an instant hug. He had been worried that his friend wouldn’t make it.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Elliott apologised. He took a step into the house then looked up. “Well.”

“Oh.” Kurt blushed, despite having noticed the mistletoe several minutes ago. “ _Well_ , it is a _tradition_.”

“That’s true.” Elliott leaned down slightly so he was level with Kurt. He slowly leaned in and connected their lips.

And Santana was right, Kurt would be thanking her later.


End file.
